Shy people instinctively know that they are missing out.
Shyness equals lost opportunities, less pleasure and fewer
social connections. Shyness can be crippling but there are
tried and tested ways to make it a thing of the past.
When I was fifteen I was shy. I recall an attractive girl
attempting to engage me in conversation. My shyness made me
focus on me instead of her. I heard my own voice but not hers
and I thought about what I was trying to say instead of what
she was trying to say.
The formula for shyness is "too much focus on the self" plus
anxiety. To make it even more unpleasant, sometimes when you
are feeling shy you experience physical sensations which 'hijack'
your calm logical self.
My pulse raced, my mouth dried up and I felt like the village
idiot! I couldn't think what to say so I said nothing apart
from making barely audible grunting noises! Cary Grant eat
your heart out! When I detected pity in her eyes (or was it
contempt, or boredom) I mumbled my excuse and got out of there.
I hated being shy and was determined to change it.
How shyness is developed and maintained
Shyness really is a combination of social anxiety and social
conditioning. To overcome shyness you need to learn to relax
socially. This enables you to direct your attention away from
yourself and gives you the space to practice certain conversational
skills. In most cases, the heightened emotions of socializing
when young simply condition the sufferer to respond to social
events with fear, instead of excitement and pleasure.
Relaxed socializing is so pleasurable, not to say productive,
but it is an advantage denied to many until they learn to
relax. To start reducing your own shyness, I want you to absorb
the following tips and ideas and start to put them into practice:
1) Think about the way you feel and behave around
familiar people you are comfortable and spontaneous around.
It's that feeling transferred to new people and situations
that equates to your emerging social confidence.
2) Focus your attention away from yourself. Sure,
you can think a little bit about how you are coming across,
but if all your focus is on your own words and feelings then
you might as well be by yourself. Notice what other people
are wearing and make a mental note, listen to their conversation,
imagine where they might live, make a point of remembering
names. Not only does this give you more to talk about, it
also 'dilutes' social anxiety leaving you feeling calmer.
3) Ask people open questions. Many people like to
talk about themselves and will find you interesting if you
find them interesting. Ask questions that require more than
a 'yes'/'no' response such as 'What do you like about this
place?' rather than: 'Do you like this place?' Once they've
answered use 'add-on' questions connected to the first such
as: 'What other places do you like in this city…?' Next you
can express your views. This is a great way to get the conversation
going. If the conversation doesn't 'take' then no matter,
you've done your bit.
4) Stop trusting your imagination so much! Have you
ever had an imaginary picture in your mind of a holiday destination
only to arrive and find the reality is different from the
way you had imagined? That's how reliable imagination is.
Stop imagining what others think. I do lots of public speaking
and I've long since stopped trying to second guess what others
think of me - it's just too painful. Besides, what a person
thinks about you has a lot more to do with who they are than
who you are.
5) Stop using 'all or nothing' thinking. The 'completely
this/completely that' style of thought occurs when you are
emotional. People who are depressed, angry or anxious see
reality in terms of differing extremes, simplistic all or
nothing terms. An angry person is 'right' and you are 'wrong';
the depressed person feels like a 'failure' while others are
a 'success'. In reality, life is composed of infinite gray
areas. So stop fearing that you might say the 'wrong' thing!
Or that people will 'hate' you. Once you start to relax more
socially you'll notice much less black or white thinking because
anxiety actually causes you to think in all or nothing terms.
6) Take your time. You don't have to blurt things
out. Ask questions and if questions are asked of you can take
time to consider your response (within reason). Don't just
blurt out what you think might be the 'right' answer. A slow
answer is a relaxed answer.
7) Finally, use hypnotic rehearsal. Hypnosis is the
quickest way to change your instinctive/emotional response
to any situation. Only think about meeting others when your
mind and body is relaxed. This conditions you to associate
relaxation with being around new people. In fact you'll find
that when you relax deeply enough often enough whilst hypnotically
rehearsing being comfortable around others you'll reach the
point where you just can't be shy any more! This is what I
call a 'happy inability!'
I now love meeting new people and suspect that my current
social confidence would be unrecognizable to my fifteen year
old self.
